Eddie Home Alone
by I am vampsessed
Summary: Edward is home alone for the day...what could possibly go wrong?


A/N This is just a little one-shot/outtake to a story I'm currently working on. Hope you like! Massive thanks to Foufymaus...without her this probably wouldn't have been posted! Not beta'd. Mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight which makes me very sad and envious.

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EPOV

I thought having the house all to myself would be heaven. It was for about an hour after sleeping late but, now I'm just bored stiff. Heh stiff. Walking around the house trying to think of something to do, other than being a couch potato and watching mind dumbing television. That's right, dumbing. These daytime t.v. shows are shit and I'm not about to even get near a kids' channel since Cadence is with Bella. I would play Xbox but Emmett threw it against the wall and broke it when he lost to me at Call of Duty. So that leaves me here walking around room to room trying to find something entertaining.

I finally decide to put my stank self in the shower and maybe rub one out while I'm in there. Going into our master bathroom, I stand in front of the mirror looking at my sexy self. Ya know what I'm talking about. Look at me. I'm a sexy beast. I start singing 'Sexy and I Know It' and watching my fine ass shake it in the mirror. Then of course, I have to practice my strip tease routine. I plug my iPhone into the dock and play the song on repeat. Oh yeah, Bella is going to get a good show next time for sure.

I scratch at the scruff on my jaw and ponder on shaving it. Nah, I'll let it go one more day. Bella really likes the scruffy jaw...she licks and nips at it often so maybe I can get some of that tonight. Fist pump! I then rub at my sparse chest hair and then on down my happy trail. Of course, being a man I don't stop there. I have to give the ole nut sack a good scratch. Hmmm. I don't remember that much hair being down there before. Getting older sucks.

I happen to remember Bella having a waxing kit for her lady bits and wonder. Should I? How bad could it be if she waxes her own poo-nanny? Don't ask. I have no earthly idea why she calls it that. Something about her mom called it that and it stuck. Anyway, I find the waxing kit and plug the wax warmer in. Thinking I should at least find out what this shit is about, I call Bella but, she must be too busy to answer. I could always call Alice, Rose, or Esme though. Figuring Esme is the lesser evil than the other two I dial her number.

"Cullen residence this is Esme." I roll my eyes at her prim and proper greeting because she is so not that much a lady.

"Hey Es. I got a question for ya." There is a slight pause before she answers with "Hello Edward. I'm doing well. How are you?" I pull the phone away from my ear and motion that I'm choking her neck. "Oh come on your majesty, get off the high horse and remember who you're talking to here."

"Fine. What do ya need shit head?" Esme huffs. And with that ladies and gentlemen, the real Es comes out. "Well, I was just admiring my fine ass in the mirror and realized that I've got a situation that needs taken care of here." I hear Esme snort before she comes back with... "I'm gonna have to tell you one more time aren't I? I don't want to know _anything_ about your dong. I don't care if it's green and festering."

"Es, I swear it's not about my dong. Well, in a round about way maybe but, it's more about the crown jewels." I hear Esme sigh and know that she's about to a) rip me a new one or b) talk to me like a five year old. Of course she chooses the latter and I take a seat on the toilet while she clears her throat and begins her spiel. "Okay honey, I'll tell you like I told Owen and Parker. The sac below your pee pee that have the round things in it are called testicles. They produce sperm..." I tune out and just let her go on and on about reproduction while I get the wax and other supplies ready.

After a while I finally hear her say..."...and that's how a baby gets in a mommy's tummy." It's time to get down to business because it's kinda chilly in here and I don't want the boys to shrivel away. "Es, while I appreciate the talk that I had already gotten when I was twelve, that's not what I meant. Does Carlisle manscape? I was thinking of doing some pruning as a surprise for Bella."

I hear hysterical laughter and the occasional snort. Trying to control her hysterics she finally chimes in. "Oh Ed, what the hell made you come up with this brilliant idea? Did Bella complain about the jungle or something? If you must know Carlisle does trim so I don't choke on hair when I ...

"ES! I do NOT and I repeat do NOT want to hear about you giving C hummers. But, at least I won't feel like a pussy now. Has he used a waxing kit before though? I know Bella does it and thought it couldn't be all that bad. So, you think I should do it and surprise her tonight?" I hear what seems to be a choking noise and Es slurping up spit or something. Gross.

"Oh Eddie. I think that would a great surprise for Bell. Carlisle doesn't wax but ya know between us I wouldn't mind if he did. To be able to lick all around that smooth skin..." she trails off with a sigh.

"I'm so glad you felt the need to tell me that and put the image in my head which causes me to be in the need of some major brain bleach." I shudder and picture Bella naked to get a more pleasant sight in my mind.

I start to get at the thought and it disturbs me since I realize I still have Esme on the phone. Not kosher to get a boner while talking to your bro's woman. "Sorry. No actually, I'm not sorry. I've heard TMI from you and Bella over the years so consider it payback. Anyway, I say go ahead and do it. She'll love it. Just make sure you read the directions. I know how you men are when it comes to those."

I have to roll my eyes at that because all of our girls harp on C, Em, Jas, and I all the time about not reading/following directions. Most of the things are simple common sense. But, there are times where I get their point too. "I promise I'll read the directions because I have to be careful with my boys." Esme snorts and tells me 'good luck' and to have fun before laughing hysterically then hangs up.

I've got everything laid out and ready so, I take a squat on the toilet to read the directions. Seems pretty straight forward and I'm secretly glad Es reminded me to read them because there's a certain wax to use for different areas. I put the hard wax in the warmer, lay out a towel and wash cloth. Looking at the clock, I notice it's almost time for Bella's lunch break and wonder if she'll come home or just eat there. Oh well, maybe I can get this finished before she gets here if she decides on the former.

I get the tongue depressor looking thing and get me a good mess of wax on it. I spread in around on my boys and it feels kinda nice all warm and shit. Putting the cloth strips on becomes a little tricky but, I finally manage to get a couple on there pretty good. I take a few deep breaths, shake my shoulders and grab the cloth strip and let 'er rip so to speak.

There's a second before the absolutely worse pain I've ever felt in my life and my breath is catching in my throat and I'm gasping for air. "Motherfuckingsonofacocksuckingwhorebag!" I'm now writhing on the floor cupping my poor balls and crying like a little bitch. I'm not ashamed to admit it. It feels like I had peeled off a layer of skin and my balls are on fire.

This is how Bella finds me. She came bursting through the bathroom door screaming my name when she heard my girlish wails. "Edward! Edwa- what the hell happened? Are you alright? Talk to me damn it!" She has tears streaming just as I do and her hands are hovering all over my body as if she's afraid to touch me.

"My balls are on fire!" I grit out. That's all I can manage less I start wailing like a bitch again. "Your wha-? Oh! Edward! What the hell? You used all my wax!" Bella shouts at me when she notices the wax kit out and then gives me a literal kick in the ass...my bare ass. That's all she's worried about? That I used her wax? What about our baby fertilizer? Doesn't she care that I may have damaged any children we may have in the future?

"Your wax? All you care about is your wax? What about me? What about the God awful pain I'm in?" She seems to have to ponder this a second before kneeling down beside me and trying to roll me over to my back. "Aww baby, you're right. I'm sorry. Let me see. If it's too bad we'll need to take you to the ER." I uncurl myself but, I still can't seem to let go off my sack. "I am NOT going to the ER like this! Can you imagine? I'll be the subject of gossip all over the hospital within minutes! The whole town will know by morning! I'll never be able to show my face around here again!"

Not to mention that if Jasper and Emmett find out about this, they'll rag my ass constantly. Esme and Rose would be worse. Ah hell, I know Bella will spill it all to the girls, then Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle will know soon enough. Fuck. My. Life.

"Okay, Okay. No ER. Just let me take a quick peek and then we'll clean you up. I'm sure you'll need to ice them for a bit too. On the count of three. One. Two. Three."

I slowly try to un-cup my hands and nothing. My fucking hands are stuck to the left over wax. This shit is like super glue. No lie. I can feel parts of my palm trying to peel away but, I swear it's taking the skin from my ball sack with it. "Motherfucker! My hands are glued to my balls, Bella! What the fucking hell am I going to do now?"

Bella is trying her hardest not to laugh. She's got her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth twisted in that way she only does when it's an inappropriate laughing moment. She finally bursts out laughing so hard that she's got tears streaming, snorting and slapping the tiled floor. "Oh. My. Gawd! I'm sor- sorry for lau- laughing. But, Ed- Edwa- Edward that is the funniest shit. Ever!" How she managed to say that is beyond me. Her face is blood red and her breath is coming in great gasps. She's going to pass out if she keeps it up.

"Yeah, yeah. What-the-fuck-ever. Help me damn it!" Bella tries to stop laughing while she starts running water in the tub. "Maybe if you sit in warm water for a minute, it will loosen the wax enough to pry your hands loose." I look at her incredulously. "Pry? Pry my hand loose? Nothing is going to be pried away from my balls!" What the fuck is she thinking? She plan on taking a crowbar to them or something. Motherfucking prying my hands off my balls. Ridiculous woman.

"Okay, so maybe pry was the wrong word." Bella says trying to placate me. I snort. "Ya, think? I was picturing you hovering over me with a damn crowbar and trying to pry my hands loose!" This starts her laughing uproariously again. At this rate, I'll be stuck like this forever. I can see my epitaph now. Here lies Edward. Forever holding his most precious belongings. His balls.

"Oh shit!" Bella yells before bolting to the toilet. "Ahhh sweet relief." She laughed so hard, she had to take a piss. Too bad she didn't piss her pants so I could laugh at her. Damn it. She takes care of her business, and finishes running the bath. "Okay sweetie, let's get you into the tub. While you're soaking, I'll run down and get the ice pack out of the freezer. Maybe, I should call Carlisle and see if there's anything else we should do."

"No! Please don't call Carlisle! Isn't there some kind of tip line number or some shit on the wax package? I'm sure I'm not the first moron to try this." Bella rolls her eyes and huffs. "Fine. Let me go grab the ice pack and my phone. I'll be right back." She leans over the tub to kiss me and I briefly think about pulling her down in the water with me. But, with my hands glued to my jewels that's impossible. Plus, I know that would just make her so pissed that she'd leave me here like this all day and call the boys over to gawk at me just for spite.

I lean my head back and try to relax. I'm not hurting as bad but, I still feel a little sting. After what seems like forever, Bella comes back into the bathroom and I see she's on the phone. She didn't take the wax package with her so, that means she probably called one of the girls to tell them about my predicament. Fuuuuck. " I know, right? I swear I read it online earlier on Google. It was some weird news headline that grabbed my attention. I'll try to find it again and send you the link. I'm going to go, I have to be back at work in thirty more minutes. Okay. Love you too, girl. Bye."

"Rose called. I had to tell her why I was laughing so hard. I told her that I read an article online about this situation. So, don't freak out on me. She has no clue it's you." I roll my eyes at her. Yeah, I'm sure Rose has her suspicions.

"You know as well as I do that you'll ending spilling the truth by the end of the day." She gives me the damn pout that makes me want to bite her lip and fuck her ten ways from Sunday. Damn little minx. "I won't tell tonight. Maybe the next time we get tipsy. But, definitely not tonight. Promise."

I can't be pissed. I've sure spilled enough embarrassing shit about her to the boys while getting plastered. Sigh. "It's okay, love. I know it will get out sooner or later. Can't keep shit away from our group of misfits for long." I give her my signature smile and pucker my lips for a smooch.

She can't resist and leans over. If my hands were loose, I'd grab her head and lay one hell of a smack-a-roo on her. I only get a little peck though.

"Try to get your hands loose now." Bella says as she stands back up. I can feel them pulling away a little easier now. There's a couple of patches that are still too stuck to move. "I think maybe just a few more minutes should do it. Go down and eat you some lunch. I'll try to join you shortly." She looks reluctant but, finally nods and makes her way out of the bathroom. I hear her calling to me as she walks through the bedroom. "I love you!"

"Love you too!" I call back. Could have a quickie for lunch. Fuck. Why oh why did I think that waxing my nuts would be a good idea? I must fall asleep because the next thing I know Bella is shaking my shoulder and telling me to try to get my hands loose again. Yes! Finally! My hands peel away and I have to resist doing a happy dance.

"Thank God. Let me have a quick look before I have to go back to work." I stand up so Bella can inspect my balls. Any other time and I'd be one happy camper to see her on her knees. Unfortunately, I can't enjoy it with all the suspense of not knowing what state my sack is in. "Well? How do they look? Missing any skin?"

I look down only to find Bella trying to hold in her laughter again. I follow her gaze to my balls. Oh. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! One half of my sack is still full of hair, the other side looks like the skin of a freshly plucked chicken. If that freshly plucked chicken had a sunburn. Fuck. Me.

Bella looses it and starts the uncontrollable laughter once more. She has the tears, the snorting, and maybe even a little snot. "I'm sorry baby! I know I shouldn't laugh but, look at it!" I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist to at least block her view. "Sure, laugh it up. Ha. Fucking. Ha. Ha. Ha." At least she looks contrite.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I have to get back to work. Why don't you kick back in bed. Maybe, put the ice pack just for a little while. They looked swollen. Oh! and I made you some lunch and put it on the nightstand." She gives me a good fucking kiss and darts out of the bathroom. Once more I hear her call out that she loves me as she goes out of the bedroom. I shout back my love and step out of the tub.

I dry off careful of the boys, grab the ice pack, and crawl in bed. I wrap the towel around the ice pack and gently lay it on my poor nuts. I hiss at the cold but then feel it soothing the burn and let out a sigh of relief. I turn the t.v. on and flip through the channels finally finding a Law and Order: SVU marathon. Sweet! I chow down on the lunch Bella made me. Chicken noodle soup and peanut butter sandwiches. My go to meal when I'm feeling under the weather.

My phone rings. I pick it up and answer seeing Emmett's name on the screen. "Yo." I use my signature greeting. All I hear is laughter. At least three different sets of laughter. "Hey Eddie! How they hangin'?" More laughter and then the call ends. Fuck. My. Life.


End file.
